


He Laughs Like God

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse, basically angst with some comfort from Jongin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:25:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehun is broken but Jongin only wants to put him back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Laughs Like God

* * *

* * *

 

“ God, Sehun please.  Not again.”

 

A breath comes out as a gasp because love is the venomous snake that finds it’s way around Sehun’s throat. His skin burns with every prying panicking hand Jongin puts on him. He has poison in his veins and Jongin’s hand on his wrist tugging him desperately. He hears him like white noise, muffled sobs into his pale skin, the tears burning him as Jongin’s shoulders shake madly like he’s being tossed in a storm. Then Sehun realizes it’s not only Jongin shaking and crying but him as well.

 

“Why do you do this to yourself Sehun?  Why? ” Jongin sounds both tired and scared. Sehun’s barely able to keep up with his words as he buries his face into the warm neck of his terrified lover. Sehun shouldn’t relish this hurt he has embedded into Jongin’s being but he cannot help but feel  greedy and slightly masochistic. All he knows it that Jongin is gloriously beautiful when he cries.

 

“I hate you.” The words fall clumsily from Sehun’s dried out, cracked and slightly bloodied lips. It comes out quietly from the split lips. Like it’s a shared secret between just the two of them like the bruising forming underneath Sehun’s clothes or the heroin scattered on the floor next to him or perhaps like the way Sehun enjoys hurting him. Sehun’s heart drums quickly as he sinks his body against the other when Jongin sobs harder holding one hand in Sehun’s blonde hair and the other on the small of his back pressing him closely.

 

“You’re  so cruel.” Jongin mumbles between the heart wrenching sobs. Jongin’s voice shakes like electric wires in a thunderstorm and Sehun wonders how long Jongin has thought this. Was it the first time he made him cry? Or the billionth? Sehun takes sick satisfaction from dimming Jongin’s once blinding flame.

 

Even between the trips back and forth from booze and a drug relapse he can remember vividly how they met:

 

“Hey, I am Jongin. Can I sit here?” Jongin says in the beginning of one of Sehun’s university art courses.

Sehun being the polite boy he was nodded. And he wouldn’t admit at the time he’s too stunned by the tan boy’s beautiful smile. In those first few seconds, he fell in love.

Sehun can only think of how they came to be like this. Jongin treated him  so good and all he could repay with him was by feeding him his chaos. He repays him with the cuts Jongin nurses better, the drug induced states his boyfriend finds him in, the fits of rage where Sehun blames it all on Jongin-- when in reality Sehun hates  himself the most.

 

“You promise m-me!” Jongin mutters. “You promised me you wouldn’t hurt yourself like this anymore. What am I going to do? One day I am going to find you dead like this.”

 

“At least I will be out of your hair, right?” Sehun says quietly. The high is falling. He can feel it. But he knows Jongin will literally fight him to keep him away from the needle laying on the floor next to them if he tries to take another hit. As his mind drops comes the true pain. His pale fingers dig into the other and he lets out a heavy breath. “Someday you should just let me. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

 

“ Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me.” Jongin says just as quietly back. And all Sehun wants to is paint the sky black, feed off Jongin’s emotions, and spit him out. Because Jongin is the only good in his life and he needs him to hate him.

 

“Don’t you get it?” Sehun demands pushing the other away slightly, “I don’t want to be here. I hate our apartment, I hate this cozy little life you keep trying to make me have, and I  fucking hate everything. I am not happy. I don’t want you.”

 

“Sehun, it’s the drugs talking. It’s not you.” Jongin says reassuringly. His eyes show the hurt Sehun wants to thrive on.

 

“No. You’re the reason for the drugs. I just cannot stand you.” Sehun spits out. He picks himself up barely as he leans on the bed running a hand through his hair. “I want you to go. Don’t come back. I don’t want you anymore. It was a game, don’t you see? How many times could I make Little Jongin cry?” 

 

Jongin shakes his head. “I know that’s not true.” He says. “I don’t know why you’re trying to hurt me. I don’t know what I ever did besides love you more than myself-- but I am not going to just leave you like this.”

 

Sehun scoffs a little as he makes his way to the dresser. There is a bottle of Bourbon that will take the edge off of him  come-down . He takes a long gulp and savors the burn.  Why was Jongin even still there? After everything Sehun has put him through. The lying, the cheating, the abuse, the drugs? Yet there he fucking stood like some idiot. Like love could change the evil sewn into Sehun’s heart. Like he’ll ever love the man who let him fuck him and is like a tunnel on a dark night. He’ll never let him truly go though. Because Sehun does love him. But every fiber in his being made it impossible to not hurt him.

 

“Why are you so fucking stupid?! There are better guys out there!” Sehun finally snaps, “I don’t need your pity or your help!”

 

Jongin looks momentarily offended. But he won’t back down. “You  don’t  need me?” He demands, “Who is the one who cleans you up after you puke on yourself? Who is the one who holds you when you cry? I am not the stupid one! I am the one who deals with it all because I love you so damn much. I cannot just walk out on you. You pretend you’re alright but every fucking sign says you’re not. Whatever is going on with you I want to help.”

 

Sehun covers his face with his hand. He’s so tired of being tired. Sehun moves closer and Jongin takes the rest of the steps seperating them. He pulls Sehun closer, hugging him with everything he has because he knows if he doesn’t one day he’s going to wake up without Sehun by his side.

 

“Stop destroying yourself.” Jongin begs.

 

Breathless Sehun feels the fears surface. Because Jongin really is too good for him. Sehun is whimpering into his neck, tattooing his breath across the topaz coloured skin. He wants Jongin to feel the honesty of his actions because they are words Sehun cannot say. His nails dig and pull the other closer because Sehun is telling him,  he’s telling him . “God, Jongin don’t leave me ever.” It all he can say. It’s close enough to  I love you  for Jongin to understand.

“I won’t, I won’t. Don’t cry. We’ll get you help.” Jongin mutters, “My brother is a therapist. He can set you up with rehab. We can do it together. I won’t leave you. And you can always come back to my side. Just focus on getting better?”

 

Sehun nods, not sure if by tomorrow he’ll be able to keep his promise, but for now he means it. He wants to get better. He wants to be better for Jongin. He wants to feel less like shit and maybe some day be worthy of calling himself Jongin’s boyfriend. He’s just a shower and a few more minutes away from sobriety and getting his life together. Can he do it? He doesn’t know. 

 

But he wants it to all stop  hurting . Because if Jongin does leave him one day when he’s fed up with the mess that Sehun is, Sehun would have nothing to live for.

 

“I don’t hate you. I hate me.” Sehun confesses seconds later.

 

“I know.” Jongin confesses back like he understands the silent language unspoken between them two. “But I can love you enough for the both of us.”

 

Sehun looks at him eyes rimmed with red, face aged with despair, and mouth parted in awe because despite Sehun putting out Jongin’s flame he still burns brightly. “Why me? Why do you love me?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t have any eloquent reasons why. I just do. I love you because you’re you. And that’s all I could want.” Jongin says. “I just want you happy and healthy. So we can grow old together. We could marry. Find a nice little home. Retire from our shitty jobs. Raise poodles. We could just be with each other. That’s all I want from you. It’s  why  I fight so much for your soul.”

 

“Even if it means nothing?” Sehun asks.

 

“No, it means the world to me.” He says and presses a kiss to the corner of Sehun’s mouth affectionately. “You mean  everything  to me.”

 

  Jongin for him, had always been a center force of hope. A promise of hope. His personal God that he could turn to when things got mad. It was like many days Sehun was flying over Hell just barely there and then he would snap back when Jongin smiles or cries. He finally found God-- just in the kind eyes of the boy who had put up with him through everything. And _God_  how lucky Sehun is that he's found religion. He might love him now, hate him tomorrow, but he'd love him again in no time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A short angsty drabble. Sekai has been inspiring me so much lately! I have so many ideas but not enough time. But as always this is apart of my exo one-shot project that you can find above in the apart of the series option. If you dig my style then you'll probably like something there!
> 
> unbetaed & not edited. mistakes are probably here.
> 
> \- Jun


End file.
